How a dream helped me heal

It was a lazy weekday evening – two days before Thanksgiving- when I realized a person who I thought was in a close friend had completely cut me out of their lives.

Both her and her husband decided to completely unfriend me and every single person associated with me. My husband, our family, and all of our mutual friends. Disappeared. Gone. Ghosted.

At first I thought, “Maybe this is some kind of personal social media cleanse.” I texted her ASAP. ” Hey, how are you? Hope you are well. Let me know how you are.” Twice. I never got a reply.

The following days, weeks, and months I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out what happened. What did I do wrong? Did I say something that offended her? Did we break a promise? I started writing a message and then stop myself from sending it too many times to count. To this day, I can’t even think of an interaction that would give probable cause. We were text buddies and we celebrated major milestones together throughout our years as friends. A wedding in Vegas, babies, our new homes, bachelorette outings, New Years, and more. You name it, she was a person I wanted around and me around her. We shared difficult situations we were facing and sent well wishes for better tomorrows. We didn’t always see things eye to eye, but I thought we respected each others’ way of life and loved and supported each other regardless. All the things you would want in a close friend. After a night of sharing a bottle of wine, we always spoke of how blessed our friendship was. We didn’t live near each other, but when we did spend time together, it was like we were never far away. I thought everything was ok. But apparently it wasn’t.

My husband watched as I cried and poured over the last of our messages, pictures, and interactions. It just didn’t add up. I couldn’t understand how a relationship with so much history and plenty of wonderful memories could just stop. No reasons given, no opportunities to hear each other out. No chance to fight for the friendship and resolve any problems that clearly bothered them. No final words or good byes. Instead, they just disappeared as if we never existed in their lives and they were never in mine.

But I do get reminders. All over social media. And every once in a while, friends who used to be a mutual friend of ours would realize they haven’t heard from them and ask how they were doing. Luckily, I’ve learned how to turn off reminders, and it would be too much work to erase the past of all the memories I’ve archived.

Eventually the months started to add up. I began to sound like a broken record when I spoke of my pain with my other friends and knew that in order to stop the sadness, I had to accept the end of the road. Silently, I would write a letter in my mind of all the things I wish I could say one last time.

“Hey…. this really sucks. I don’t understand. I thought we had something good that would last a lifetime. I don’t want to accept this, but I have no choice. I don’t want to not have you in my life, but I accept your boundaries. However, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you needed my help or wanted to talk – no questions asked – I will be there for you. Goodbye. I wish you well.”

I wrote a variation of this letter in my head at least 20 times or more. Sometimes it was more angry. Other times it was more hopeful for reconciliation. Sometimes it was short and sweet or bitchy af.

Slowly my focus shifted towards friends and family who still loved me. I felt stupid for mourning the loss of a friendship when I had amazing people around me who valued our friendship. It seems silly now, but at the time I judged myself according to someone who didn’t care enough to even tell me why they needed to end our relationship. My healing didn’t begin until I made a shift to actively focus on people that made the effort to be a good friend to me. In return, I got to practice being the friend I wish others would be for me – a better listener, open to new perspectives, understanding, no judgement, available, and lots of fun experiences mixed in between.

Eventually, I stopped obsessing and things started going back to normal. Over the summer, my family took a beach trip to the Oregon coast and rented an oceanfront house. On the last night, I stayed up by myself and watched the moonlight sparkle across the waves on the ocean. I starred at distant boats with their lights on full-blast navigating the Pacific. I watched the lighthouse beaming on the side of the cliffs guiding boats along the way. I sat in my chair and just breathed the moment in until sleepiness overtook me.

That night I had a dream. My husband, dog, and I were walking towards the beach and had to take a set of wooden stairs wrapped around a small lush green cliff to access the sand. On the way down the stairs, I ran into them. “Hey! How are you? What are you doing here?” Before they could walk away, I cornered them, forced them to sit down, and told them every single word from the letter I had written in my head and added, “I will love and appreciate the memories we made, and I don’t like this, but I accept this as the end. I wish you well. Good bye.” In my dream I watched them walk away and I turned and walked towards the beach to meet my husband and dog who were waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

I woke up in the morning with a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. It felt so real like it really happened and I was happy to be able to say everything I needed and wanted to say in my dream. Not word was left unsaid. After we finished breakfast and packed up the car, the family wanted to take one last stroll along the beach before heading home. I felt anxious because I needed to head home to finish my work projects. Eventually, I relented, and we all headed towards the beach. Instead of taking the normal beach access route to the right of the house, we took an alternate way to the beach to the left of the house which included a set of wooden stairs against a small lush cliff to access the sand.

I’ve seen this somewhere before. . .

We took off our sandals and walked while watching the dog frolic and sniff his way along the beach. Then it was time to head back. As we got closer to the stairs, a man wearing construction gear walked down and stood at the very bottom to the stairs. Above him on the street was a large back hoe and city truck. My naturally curious husband walked up and struck a conversation and asked what he was doing. The man was a city worker surveying the conditions to decide if it was a good day to reinforce some beach walls. The resemblance was uncanny. He looked exactly like my former friend’s husband. He had the same kind of job her husband had. He spoke and had the same sense of humor like her husband, too. I was in shock. After my husband was done talking to him I followed him up the stairs back to the car.

“Did that guy kind of look like …?” He nodded. “And he had the same job and even spoke like him, right?” He agreed. Then I told him about the dream I had the night before. But this time I wasn’t sad when I mentioned their names. It was the first time my heart felt nothing but peace and acceptance when I thought of them. At that moment, I realized the universe gifted me the closure I had been wanting and needing to continue my healing. The shock has worn off, but the acceptance and peace remains. I am thankful to have the awareness to see everything for what it was in that moment. What a gift!

Since then, there hasn’t been other dreams that’s healed me as powerful as this one. What I can say is this experience has helped me to move on and focus on my current relationships and even make room for new ones. To this day, I genuinely do wish them well. Sometimes I miss them but I still feel the same peace I felt when when I finally received closure in my heart.

I hope this story helps some people who are seeking peace and looking for closure and healing. Open your heart, soul, and body to the idea that dreams can help the healing process. Because it can and it does. I wish you well on your journey.

When to let go of relationships

I want to start this blog out by saying that there’s always two sides to every story. Maybe even three. However, at the end of the day, if any relationship is negative or no longer serves your personal joy, then its time to let go and walk away.

Of course, we all know that’s easier said than done. Personally, I’ve been going through a lot of changes in my relationships and letting go has been a part of that journey. I wanted to share some tips that has helped me process my new normal.

Learning through others

If you don’t know by now, I’m kind of a Instagram junkie. I love finding memes, quotes, stories, and clips that put a smile on my face or teach me something quick. One of the people I have been following for quite a while now is Lovely Mimi from Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. I fell in love with her outrageous and bright personality, and since she’s from Vietnam (like me), I gotta support my girl! Her family and relationship to her partner of 10 years was a big part of her social media and Youtube content. Today, I spent a good part of my day listening to Lovely Mimi’s and Remy’s side of their story explaining why their relationship ended. For social media and reality tv stars, it’s common for them to address personal situations in the open because they understand that followers want to connect with authenticity. Mimi didn’t want to talk about it until she fully healed, but since Remy had uploaded a video explaining his side a few days ago, she felt she had to address things quickly.

To keep it brief, Remy used his platform to explain how fame, sketchy friends, and Mimi’s gambling problem effected their relationship, while Mimi pointed to issues with responsibilities, thoughtlessness, money, family, cheating, alcoholism, and her personal insecurities that played into their demise.

Anytime someone shares their personal story, there’s a learning opportunity for us all. Here are some key lessons I learned while watching Mimi’s video about letting go of relationships that I thought were very intriguing and we could use in our own personal healing.

  1. Be honest about your part in the relationship – The one thing that Mimi did that I commend her for is that she did not paint herself as a saint. She freely admitted to her faults in her relationship and addressed her deep-seeded personal insecurity of never wanting to be alone. What I saw from her honesty was growth that gave her the courage to walk away from a relationship that had more cons than pros.
  2. Acknowledge the good in the other person and wish them well – How does a person look at someone who’s brought them a lot of pain and toxicity and still wish them well? I’ve watched my parents, friends, and colleagues who’ve dealt with broken relationships, and a big part of everyone’s healing is getting to the point of wishing someone well. Sounds counterproductive when moving on from a relationship, but forgiveness is more than letting someone off the hook. It lets you move past your own personal hurt and adjust your negative energy into something positive for our own wellbeing. In the first part of Mimi’s video, she discusses how Remy is a good father to his kids and she will work make sure to always allow for him to have a great relationship with them. Moving on from a relationship should be done with a sound heart and soul. And the ability to wish the other person only the best is a sign of healing.
  3. Keep track of how you feel – Letting go of someone you love and are emotionally invested in is physically and emotionally painful. In order to let go of a relationship, you have to keep tabs on how you feel. Mimi had plenty of receipts and continually tracked how she felt throughout her entire relationship. She knew things were not good but put her feelings aside for financial opportunities and to keep her family in tact. Finally, she could no longer ignore her feelings and we are seeing the result of it. One of the best things I read was to take a photo of yourself each day when you are facing your sadness about a relationship. Can you see the glint of hurt in your eyes? What’s up with your pursed lips? How does your facial expressions change when you think about your relationship? Normally I’m not a fan of selfies, but to capture how your feel when dealing with a relationship, I’ll allow it.
  4. Acknowledge the truth you’ve been avoiding – When faced with the reality that a relationship does not making you happy, do you look towards the past or the future instead of dealing with the situation in present time? Parents in loveless relationships sometimes sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their children. However, the kids can sense the tension. They aren’t immuned to what you are trying to hide. Mimi’s ability to move forward after ending the relationship came from acknowledging the ugly truth and the consequences that came from avoiding it for too long. Ignorance to truth manifests in many ways to grab your attention. The body feels off, you make excuses, and you try to accommodate others and ignore your own inner voice that’s screaming, “WTF are you doing, stupid?” Don’t ignore it! It’s not easy to face, but when you finally are brave enough, the healing can begin.
  5. Get selfish – We are not talking about social media friends. This applies to close relationships: What is the point of giving more of yourself to a relationship when the love and attention is not being reciprocated? Being ignored, undermined, and disregarded are not acts of love. The simplest act of love is attention. If the person you are in a relationship with – whether its romantic, family, or friendship – doesn’t show a genuine interest and support in you, then there’s a problem. Although I did not get through all of Remy’s video on his explanation (I seriously tried to sit through all 48 minutes but only got through 20 minutes), the biggest difference I saw between the two was their perception of who gave more in the relationship. Either way, nobody’s needs were being met and neither one was happy. Repeat after me: MY NEEDS MATTER! MY NEEDS MATTER! And say it again until you believe it.
  6. Accept what it is – Acceptance isn’t about being ok with the current situation. It’s about being present with what is going on. The more you accept the situation, the more you can initiate change. Mimi and Remy both indicated in their videos that they accepted what happened. The love is gone. There’s no turning back. In my personal life, I recently accepted the idea of letting go of a friendship I thought would last a lifetime and that I will never get to say how I feel. It’s over. Time to put my energy into relationships that value me equally as I do them. When you finally accept the truth, you begin to live in truth. It seems contradictory, but acceptance is always a part of change management and transitions. It works for broken relationships as well.

In this journey of life, relationships come and go. They also evolve because we as human beings are always evolving within. Letting go of relationships is not failure – it is growth. And in this lifetime, let’s not allow ourselves to accept any less than what what you know in your heart you deserve. I want to thank you, Mimi, for sharing your life with the world, and allowing us to see such a vulnerable side of yourself even when you are clearly not ready to open up. All the blessings and healing to you and your family.

WHY POLYESTHER?

Because the math makes sense

At least that’s what I tell myself

The only constant in my life is shape-shifting.

— Emilie Wapnick, founder of Puttylike who introduced the term multi-potentialite and something inside of me clicked.

POLYESTHER is a word play on ‘polymath’ and my first name. By definition, a polymath describes a person who has expertise in a large number of different subjects, but more importantly, they are able to draw on this knowledge to solve problems. By naming my blog this, it allows me to freely explore many topics and ideas that could be tied together.

Polymath + Esther = POLYESTHER

That adds up, right? To me it does.

In a world where people pay a lot of money to be highly specialized and skilled in one craft, I never quite fit the mold. Routines and repetitive predictable tasks bore me to tears. The way my brain processed the same projects as my colleagues were vastly different. For a while I thought, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t they see it like I do?” The hardest part was trying to explain how and why I came up with these ideas or processes in a way that made sense to everyone.

In the workplace, I found myself thriving in roles that gave me room to grow, exercise ideas into fruition, and allowed me try new tasks with room to fail and be ok. This set me up to be a direct measurable impact player. I like to compare my sweet spot in the workplace to the 6th man on a basketball team. Lots of versatility and capable of filling in wherever needed. If there were no opportunities to implement new processes or try new things, I rarely stuck around very long. The result? A resume without the right title to accurately describe the evolving roles and tasks I was assigned to.

And when it came to hobbies, I picked up whatever sang to my soul in that moment. Cooking, exercise, sewing, making jewelry, costuming, music, painting shoes, karaoke, learning a new language, the list goes on and the supplies pile high in the basement. I rarely stick with one hobby long enough and tend to bounce around between different hands-on projects. However, I learn a lot and am able to incorporate my hobby experiences to help me tackle the next thing that’s captured my interest.

So why should you follow POLYESTHER?

I know how annoying it is when a person you watch on Youtube for makeup ideas films something else for a change.

When Kanye complains that he can’t break out of the mold of being just a music producer and explore other artistic avenues.

When the greatest basketball player of all time, Michael Jordon, tried to play baseball and barely made the minor leagues, we all were like, “Dude, wtf? Get back to hoops!”

But hear me out: We’re human. We get bored of the same old thing over and over again. I read a quote that one of the keys to a happy marriage was allowing your partner to evolve and change over time. A man mentioned he fell in love with the women his wife evolved into EIGHT times! Imagine how many times you could fall in love with yourself if you are open to evolving? It’s exciting stuff!

I’ve been fighting to conform for so long so its time to document my journey into leaning into these shape-shifting characteristics and see what comes out of it. These are my thoughts, my learning moment, my pictures, my successes, and my failures. And it will change over time.

If you love the idea and are on your own journey, I invite you to subscribe and share your stories and ideas with me as well. It’s going to be fun and not boring. That I promise you.

Hi, It’s Esther

Thank you for visiting POLYESTHER!

I’m just a person dabbling through life and exploring whatever feels right in the moment. Trying new things, getting obsessed with flavors, sounds, making money, movement, art, and new experiences that keep my life interesting and on my toes.

What’s this blog all about?

We live in a 4D world and I want to write a blog that encapsulates my thoughts and experiences on things I am working on, projects that have succeeded and failed, and things I learned from analyzing popular culture, articles, and talking to my network, etc. Maybe it sounds like too much. To my boss, he’ll probably say it sounds vague and unfocused. However, I want to lean into it and see what happens if I function in this mode that feels very natural to me – can I still be successful and happy?

To me, general practitioners get the shortest end of the stick in the medical field. A handy man who can do a lot of things are underrated and usually underpaid for the value they offer. If I could somehow help change the way people and hiring organizations view and value the everyday multi-talented person, then that would be the ultimate goal.

This blog is dedicated to the inner kindergarten spirit in us all. I hope to share and learn with those who are exploring their ever-evolving curiosity on more than just one topic with wide-eyed appreciation, amusement, and love.