My parents are at that age where they are seeing their friends and acquaintances of more than 30+ years pass away. Every call and update includes someone I used to know from church in the hospital or they have passed away. However, their two most recent acquaintances who passed away hit different for me.
One was a woman who was known to be the loudest women in church. She sang loud, she spoke loud, and she was not afraid to tell anyone how she felt about anything. She was brash and unapologetic. Truly fearless. In hindsight, I admire her strength to hold her own in a very conservative church. But growing up with her as one of my parent’s acquaintances, I was legit scared of her, and later down the road, I grew to resent how she treated my mom. When my sister was the youth group assistant, this woman’s son stupidly climbed on the back bumper of my sister’s car during a camping trip. My sister took a sharp turn around a corner and he flew off and hit a tree. HARD. So hard that he was airlifted to the hospital. This woman’s family accused my sister of knowingly letting this kid jump on the back of the car and drove fast on purpose. “You are so lucky we are Christians or else we would sue you for everything you have.” These words cut me to the core when my mom updated me with everything that happened. Why would these people say this? After this incident, my sister had to do an apology in front of the church and later resigned from her role.
My parents, on the other hand, were hurt by what was said. But they forgave them and still went to church with them. And they kept worshiping with them until this women’s family (which was like 40 people deep in a 130 person church) decided switch to a different church.
But it wasn’t just this incident. There were more things throughout the years that this woman did to my folks that was petty. I found myself deeply resenting her and her entire family. I couldn’t understand why in the world my parents take the high road and forgive and forget time and time again. Recently, this women had very bad health issues. My parents were in the hospital last Sunday to visit her and on Monday she passed. My dad sent a photo of her and her husband to me. I stared at it closely.
I wasn’t really looking at the picture to examine the women and her husband. I stared at it and examined how my dad took the picture. He perfectly framed them with the husband holding his 40 year anniversary balloons next to her bed. It was in that moment that I was reminded of how resilient my parents are. How their hearts were so big and forgiving and loving. Showering them with prayers and love in her final days. Even with all the pettiness throughout the years, my parents moved on and forgot everything. Nothing matters when you are faced with mortality.
And then I realized I was the one who was holding on to animosity. I was the one who hasn’t forgiven. Even of the news of her death, I am recalling all the things this woman and her family put my family through. There were a few good memories here and there – like her husband always crossdressing for the Vietnamese new year celebration at church. Their family always made awesome food at the potlucks. We took a few trips with them to Florida and Hawaii to go to church conferences.
Right now I just want to take a moment to think of her and thank her for being in my life and for teaching me some valuable lessons through observing my parent’s interaction with her family. There’s really no point of holding this anger that’s well over 20 years old. I wish her and her family well and let go of it all. Well…it’s not that simple. As more memories bubble up, I am actively moving that energy out of my space and stamping it with forgiveness and neutral energy.
My sister called me later this evening to talk about her car. In conversation she let me know that one of my old former friend’s dad had passed away earlier this month and my parents had gone to this man’s funeral and talked to my old friend. Apparently she has a lot of kids. It was sad to hear of her dad’s passing. I was surprised my parents didn’t tell me about this one. I used to spend a lot of time at her house and speak to her dad who was an intimidating but really funny. My vietnamese was bad and his english was bad but somehow we were able to talk a bit. It’s been a REALLY long time since I had spoken to my former friend. But this time I was the asshole who was jealous of her pharmacy school friends. I remember our last conversation was in the car as I was driving home from work promising we would call and hang out. That never happened. Our lives were moving in different directions. She became a successful pharmacist and married her highschool sweetheart who is also a pharmacist. Me? I found different interests and friends who matched where I was at in my life. And that’s how life goes sometimes. I do remember her dad coming up to me when I was visiting my parent’s church and asking me to connect with his daughter. I lied and said I would but never did. Unfortunately, the time to reconnect and be friends had passed. It would never happen. Today I really thought about reaching out and sharing my condolences but realized there’s no point. My parents had already done it. Again, I see my parents being that loving light to my former friend’s family. In weird a way, I am totally ashamed I let my pride and ego get the best of me and ruined a friendship. However, we both had different paths to take and the writing was on the wall. It’s even weirder to write about something that happened so long ago and never had the words to acknowledge where I was at in life. Unlike the woman who passed, I don’t hold any animosity at all towards the man and my former friend. I’m the one who is holding animosity towards myself. Never is it easy to remember your own shitty behavior and sit with it. But I am doing that right now.
I want to take a moment out to remember this man and thank him for being kind to me and my folks. Thank you for teaching me important lessons through observing my parents and for making me laugh with your broken but very enthusiastic english. Sometimes news about regular people in and out of our lives provide the best opportunity to heal and move forward. And with that said, I’m exhausted! Phew!
It's Polyesther 