Today I made a choice. I chose my family over my career. And I feel sad about it even though I know I made the right choice.
Let me backtrack a bit.
The last three months have been crazy. My husband and I adopted a baby in May 2020. Truly the best thing that’s happened to us all year. All the cliche stuff new parents say about experiencing love and joy with their kids are true. We are so in love with our baby boy.
When it all happened, I immediately went on maternity leave with the intention of coming back to work. Days turned to weeks, and weeks into months until time was nearly over. I mulled over my options and played with so many scenarios in my head: What would going back to work with an infant look like in the middle of a pandemic? What were the costs? How could I possibly leave my son in the hands of another person who I could not guarantee their level of health and safety measures exercised? Is it worth missing out on precious moments of my baby’s life? With everything going on, I couldn’t fathom the idea of putting anyone’s life at risk for money. For me, it just wasn’t worth spending extra on childcare and missing out on significant milestones at this age.
But I’m not gonna lie. I’m sad. Sad to leave a career I’ve been dedicated to since 2006. Sad that my now former employer was not willing to work with me to find a plausible solution for me to stay even though they claimed to appreciate everything I’ve done for them. They gave me only two choices for returning from maternity leave: Come back full time and take over someone else’s job or walk away. I get it – things are tough. Belts have to be tightened and sacrifices must be made. I offered alternative part-time solutions that my family and I were willing to accomodate for. My offers was rejected. As a result, I didn’t want to be the scumbag employee who took someone else’s job in the middle of a pandemic so I chose to walk away.
Perhaps many career-minded women in my shoes could relate to the roller coaster of emotions when making important decisions. Guilty for feeling sad about putting career aspirations on hold even if it’s good for the family and numb because you want to suppress the guilt.
Maybe you’ve read a few of my posts in the past and sense that I have a hard time letting go. Yep, I will admit to it! Letting go of something I loved that made a big impact in my life is very hard. This job gave me a lot of financial security. I was able to pay off my car, my school loans, and outstanding debts. I was able to build up sizeable savings to pay for a house and go on nice vacations around the world and visit friends in different states. Through this job, I was able to buy anything I wanted without worry and still meet my personal financial goals. Most of all, I was in a position where I could do many things that showcased my versatile abilities and skills. Those opportunities were given to me because someone believed I could do it and had great support along the way. From writing, to marketing, to training, to working with customers, to growth and sales, I did it all. Give me something and I’ll make it happen somehow some way and it’s always on time. And for that, I am grateful to have had the job opportunity and the career I cherished so deeply.
On the other hand, the level of stress and worry dealing with unhappy executives and clients, and dealing with jealousy in the workplace is something I won’t miss. The environment was toxic (most work environments are in their own way), but being removed from the office and working from home for many years allowed me not to be exposed to much of it. I was lucky and thankful for being in the position I was in and knew it may be hard to replicate the same of level of trust in other organizations. The downside of it all was watching other coworkers get the chop when their time working at the company was up. It was only a matter of time when I was on the chopping block. Everyone knew there’s always a clock ticking and to never feel comfortable. Survival and a term I’m coining,“surthrival,” came from being versatile, agile, and quick learners who can produce high-quality work. You had to be a survivor and thrive to have the privilege to work there more than a few years. It was the only way to continue to stay relevant and valuable to the organization. And if you are not thriving or they don’t see your value, it’s over. Past accomplishments didn’t matter. Stress was normal and I worked late many nights talking to colleagues on multiple continents even though I should have been sleeping. In hindsight, I realize now that I clung on and tried to “surthrive” for way longer than I should have. My mental and physical health suffered and I lost my sense of self. My marriage suffered. I went to therapy to talk about work after my shift and embarked on a three-year intensive meditation practice to heal. Even through all of this, the universe still needed to kick my ass to make big changes.
Although I’m not happy with how the end of this chapter of my life turned out, I know it’s time to turn the page. My sadness during the day gave me an opportunity to talk to my best friend who went through a similar situation last year, and an old coworker who knew the organization well and understood the strange situation I was put in that made me walk away. I also got a chance to spend time with my sister-in-law who also walked away from a promising teaching career to travel around South America and become a mom. All three women are also moms to amazing kids and showered me with lots of love in between my tears and worries for the future.
In the evening, I closed my eyes and did an imagery exercise called the “Yes/No Rose”
This is a very simple exercise you can try out. After closing my eyes, I imagined two of the same colored roses in front of me and labeled one “Yes” and the other “No.” Then I asked myself, “Did I make the right choice today?” My ‘yes’ rose buzzed and grew larger and more vibrant while the ‘no’ rose shrank in the distance.
Then I asked, “Will I ever feel financial security like I have experienced before?” The ‘yes’ rose continued to buzz but shrank a little. Clouds of doubt prevented it from glowing as big and bright as before. Then I heard the words, “What you know as financial security will transform over time. Trust yourself. You know what you are doing.” The ‘no’ rose continued to stay shrunk in the distance.
Upon opening my eyes, a sense of peace settled into my heart and I let it flow to every part of my body.
Next, I posted a question in a workings moms group in my area about my current situation. A kind soul responded with these words:
“I’m very sorry that your company wasn’t willing to work with you on this. I’d like to think that this is going to work out better for you regardless of the unemployment situation. You made a decision based on what you and your family needs. Be open to new possibilities as you may end up with the situation that you always wanted but just didn’t know it. That’s my hope for you anyway. Best of luck!”
In my heart, I know this is what I want to manifest in this next chapter. With everything that’s going on in 2020, do we know what will happen next? Nope, we don’t! But maybe it will be better than we imagined down the road. I’m clinging on the positives for the sake of my sanity and my family and our right to make it through this year along with many more years to come. In this new chapter of life, I’m going to title it “Open opportunities.”
It's Polyesther 