Wading through a distortion of personal growth and transformation
It’s the end of January 2020 and so far I feel like I’ve really failed myself. I have all the goals and aspirations floating within me, but the ability to actually put it into everyday practice gave way to old habits and familiar but detrimental patterns of thinking.
There’s a lot on my mind. A pending adoption, worries about my general health, feeling unhappy with my life trajectory despite working so hard to get where I am today. Not sleeping at night or making healthy food choices while wasting away on the internet doesn’t help either. Time has past and I’ve done nothing about it. Instead, I’ve used most of my time laying in bed. Thinking. Holding my dog. And just wondering how can I get out of this funk that’s been consuming me from the inside. As a person who’s spent extra time and money to work on my spiritual and mental well being for the past two years, I found it odd that I feel just as bad as I began. But at the same time I know I’m better than I was before.
What gives?
It’s because we’re onions. We’re complicated with many layers to go through and address. I used to think it was really weird when my former therapist would ask me things about my childhood and I would literally ask him, “What does my childhood have to do with the situation I am in right now? I need answers for today.” What I didn’t know back then and now realize is that a lot of my perceptions of reality were shaped from my early childhood experiences. As I grew older, I coped with these triggering experiences by making choices that created a personal layer of protection for myself. These layers protected me well enough to allow me to live in a state of ignorant bliss. In this ignorance, I portrayed myself as being a perpetually happy and confident person. Only few people have seen or heard this very different voice that narrates within me. It’s intense. It’s raw. It’s carries an uneasy energy. And I have locked it up for years because I’ve hated this part of me so much. I thought for sure that if I didn’t acknowledge it or covered it up with “everything is awesome” thoughts, it would die off.
Well, I was wrong about that. The deeper I went, the more intense this inner self feels. Deep layers are uncomfortable, heavy, frustrating and annoying. And just like real onions, I’ve cried through it as I work through each of these layers. Releasing all this pent up energy and layers of guilt and shame has only made this part of me stronger. As my meditation teacher says, the work is never done. There’s always more to do. And part of me wonders if I should keep going or not. Growth periods feels like standing at a crossroads. Do I stay or do I go? Is this enough or should I keep doing more? Have I grown enough this lifetime or am I not done? On one hand, I’m incredibly happy and proud to know so much and have great tools to handle many situations. On the other hand, I’m grieving the loss of that ignorance and bliss. Weird, right? But that’s how I feel. However, I must keep going and make room for more self-kindness.
So what can someone do when facing these growth periods? Normally I’d share a list of ideas, but I think it really depends on the person and their journey. For me, the deeper I go, the harder it feels to mobilize a to-do list for spiritual or personal growth. The idea of doing something doesn’t feel right at the moment. Instead, I’m going to stew it. I have to get comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable. Figure out why I have to feel these things now and how can I balance it without covering it up in layers of self-ignorance again. Essentially, I have to work on draining the energy of hate from this side of myself by getting to a state of neutrality. But in order for me to do it, I need to stew and feel all the feels in order to move this growth period out of my space. Then and only then can I feel a difference and be ready for yet another layer.
Tonight I just finished watching the show finale of ‘The Good Place’ and it just made so much sense for me and my own journey. Without giving it all away, it just made realize that these layers of challenges are their own blessings and give us meaning to exist. We’re blessed to have the time to better ourselves each day. Some days, weeks, months, or years may be less productive than others, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t making strides towards growth. You are at a crossroads to choose to transform to find a way to be happy with where you are at. The next layer is not far behind to take you to your next period of growth. That’s beautiful, therefore in an amusing way, onions can be beautiful, too.
It's Polyesther 