Dealing with judgement from others

And how to be more aware of your own judgement patterns

According to an article in Psychology Today, judging others is a form of ranking things around us that asserts our superiority. It typically takes the form of putting others down. It’s what people who think they’re “somebodies” do to people they take for nobodies.

Rankism is the source of most man-made suffering

Judging others feeds our ego and allows us to look at ourselves in the mirror with a less harsh filter. “At least I’m not as effed up as that person” or ,”I’m doing something right for me, therefore, they must be doing something wrong…”

Unfortunately, this form of self-assurance is short-lived. Judgement becomes the quickest way to feed the unhealthy ego. The cycle continues until we are honest about why we feed the unhealthy ego. It hides in the last place we dare to look – within ourselves. When we believe we are the ego, we’ll do many things to keep it alive. The act of stopping judgement kills the unhealthy ego in ourselves. We then become free from the hungry monster.

This is an interesting topic for me right now because I am opening myself up to the idea that my judgement and rankism didn’t just hurt others around me – it unknowingly hurts me every time I deflect my personal triggers. In addition, I am opening myself up to the idea that people who judge me aren’t really looking at me – they are judging themselves for what they are don’t know, or are unhappy with their own reflection and quick to spotlight others. Therefore, I cannot let their words bother me.

So why do we judge?

1. We don’t know a person well (yet) – This is usually innocent to help with getting a feel of our surroundings and the people around us and how we want to interact in this environment. It’s our way to simplify what we are interacting with in the moment. However, it doesn’t give us the full picture and we tend to miss opportunities to open ourselves up for new experiences.
2. We cannot identify with a person’s belief system, values, or behavior – Negatively, we cannot put ourselves in their shoes to understand why they choose to live the life they picked for themselves.
3. That person somehow threatens how we perceive ourselves – A person may or may not realize they are putting a mirror up for us to see ourselves in a way we refuse to acknowledge. It has the potential to reopen wounds we’ve been trying to heal for many years, and we are quick to judge in order to discredit them and protect our emotions.

I realized something important – In order for me to stop feeling hurt when being judged or negatively put down, I have to stop my own patterns of judgement and rankism that I’ve used to justify my own behavioral patterns.

I’m an older sister. As the older sibling, put myself in the role of being the third parent to my younger sister, Christine. I see so much potential and ability that is beyond what I can do and I’ve tried to push her to get her out her rut and take that next step. A lot of my advice never worked and often times we end up arguing and getting upset with each other.

After Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, my sister posted on social media about the effects of depression. She never felt she lived up to the expectations people who cared saw in her and how it tortured her all throughout her life. She wrote in heartbreaking detail of the many ways she had planned on ending her life. I was stunned. I was part of her pain and part of the problem. Another time, my brother-in-law called me out point blank in front of everyone and said, “Why are you so mean to your sister?” Again, that stunned me. I honestly had no idea I was that mean. I thought I was helping, but my judgement, although wrapped up in a bow of love and concern, was only hurting her and hurting myself in the process.

At the time, I felt like since we had the same upbringing we could relate better. I was able to do this, why couldn’t she? I was able to figure this out, why can’t she? I judged her life choices and judged how she reacted to the world around her. It wasn’t the way I would do things and it bothered me why she couldn’t do the same or better than me. It turns out I didn’t spend enough time to get to know my baby sister as an adult. She is her own person and nothing like the kid I knew growing up. Unknowingly, I had simplified my role as the big sister for my own personal convenience and satisfaction. I used judgement to navigate my relationship with her. What I didn’t do was show more love and support when she needed it the most.

Thankfully, my sister and I have a better relationship. I was able to talk with her about her post and apologize and she’s forgiven me. She’s been getting help with her depression and is continually searching for better ways to be her best self although she does tell me that some days and even weeks are harder than others. I find myself doing all I can to be more empathic to her situation and to be a better listener rather than judging. As siblings it’s hard not to escalate it to the 100th decibel but it’s a work in progress that’s getting better.

How I am working on getting over judgements of me

1. Removing ‘victim energy’ from my body and space through meditation. The ‘woah is me’ dramatic energy is soul sucking and yet oddly comforting for me. It has takin me many years to finally understand that feeling bad for myself is ok for a little bit, but I can’t go back and sit in a tub of tears and expect to make progress in my life. This realization also helped me to recognize triggers within myself that need healing. Meditation and being present with my thoughts have allowed me to visualize the releasing of victim energy in my space. It has renewed my spirit and allows me to think of the day as refreshed with new opportunities to still make it good. One bad interaction should not have the power to ruin the entire day.
2. Realizing it’s not about me, it’s about them – If someone makes a comment about my weight or my work, I know it’s not about me. It’s about how they perceive themselves when they see me. Maybe they are unhappy with their own weight or are overly concerned about their own work that’s been keeping them up all night. I don’t know what’s going on, but I tell myself, “It’s not my problem, It’s not my problem, It’s not my problem.” Judgement is not the same as constructive criticism so do keep that in mind. However, we do need to see what kind of expectations to they set for themselves that make them see the world in their own filtered perspective. Some of it can be used to motivate ourselves if we allow it, but if you are not interested in dealing with it, you can acknowledge that it’s about them and not about yourself. The second part to this is me trying to come up with some smart quips to turn the mirror back on them, but I’m still working on that.
3. If people judge my lifestyle or are openly unsupportive, then I switch my space – mindfully and physically. There are certain points where we have to let people go or not allow certain people to take up space in our minds. I often find myself just spending less time talking with them and focus on protecting my personal space. Changing the subject works or just walking away helps. If it’s family, it’s harder to avoid so I tend to try to keep conversation on them or switch the subject to them instead and then go home and meditate to let go of any triggers that may have light up in my body during that time.

These are a few things I’m working on at the moment. It’s still a work in progress and it’s slow but getting better. If you have any suggestions or ways you have been working on limiting judgement in ourselves and others, please share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you.