When to let go of relationships

I want to start this blog out by saying that there’s always two sides to every story. Maybe even three. However, at the end of the day, if any relationship is negative or no longer serves your personal joy, then its time to let go and walk away.

Of course, we all know that’s easier said than done. Personally, I’ve been going through a lot of changes in my relationships and letting go has been a part of that journey. I wanted to share some tips that has helped me process my new normal.

Learning through others

If you don’t know by now, I’m kind of a Instagram junkie. I love finding memes, quotes, stories, and clips that put a smile on my face or teach me something quick. One of the people I have been following for quite a while now is Lovely Mimi from Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. I fell in love with her outrageous and bright personality, and since she’s from Vietnam (like me), I gotta support my girl! Her family and relationship to her partner of 10 years was a big part of her social media and Youtube content. Today, I spent a good part of my day listening to Lovely Mimi’s and Remy’s side of their story explaining why their relationship ended. For social media and reality tv stars, it’s common for them to address personal situations in the open because they understand that followers want to connect with authenticity. Mimi didn’t want to talk about it until she fully healed, but since Remy had uploaded a video explaining his side a few days ago, she felt she had to address things quickly.

To keep it brief, Remy used his platform to explain how fame, sketchy friends, and Mimi’s gambling problem effected their relationship, while Mimi pointed to issues with responsibilities, thoughtlessness, money, family, cheating, alcoholism, and her personal insecurities that played into their demise.

Anytime someone shares their personal story, there’s a learning opportunity for us all. Here are some key lessons I learned while watching Mimi’s video about letting go of relationships that I thought were very intriguing and we could use in our own personal healing.

1. Be honest about your part in the relationship – The one thing that Mimi did that I commend her for is that she did not paint herself as a saint. She freely admitted to her faults in her relationship and addressed her deep-seeded personal insecurity of never wanting to be alone. What I saw from her honesty was growth that gave her the courage to walk away from a relationship that had more cons than pros.
2. Acknowledge the good in the other person and wish them well – How does a person look at someone who’s brought them a lot of pain and toxicity and still wish them well? I’ve watched my parents, friends, and colleagues who’ve dealt with broken relationships, and a big part of everyone’s healing is getting to the point of wishing someone well. Sounds counterproductive when moving on from a relationship, but forgiveness is more than letting someone off the hook. It lets you move past your own personal hurt and adjust your negative energy into something positive for our own wellbeing. In the first part of Mimi’s video, she discusses how Remy is a good father to his kids and she will work make sure to always allow for him to have a great relationship with them. Moving on from a relationship should be done with a sound heart and soul. And the ability to wish the other person only the best is a sign of healing.
3. Keep track of how you feel – Letting go of someone you love and are emotionally invested in is physically and emotionally painful. In order to let go of a relationship, you have to keep tabs on how you feel. Mimi had plenty of receipts and continually tracked how she felt throughout her entire relationship. She knew things were not good but put her feelings aside for financial opportunities and to keep her family in tact. Finally, she could no longer ignore her feelings and we are seeing the result of it. One of the best things I read was to take a photo of yourself each day when you are facing your sadness about a relationship. Can you see the glint of hurt in your eyes? What’s up with your pursed lips? How does your facial expressions change when you think about your relationship? Normally I’m not a fan of selfies, but to capture how your feel when dealing with a relationship, I’ll allow it.
4. Acknowledge the truth you’ve been avoiding – When faced with the reality that a relationship does not making you happy, do you look towards the past or the future instead of dealing with the situation in present time? Parents in loveless relationships sometimes sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their children. However, the kids can sense the tension. They aren’t immuned to what you are trying to hide. Mimi’s ability to move forward after ending the relationship came from acknowledging the ugly truth and the consequences that came from avoiding it for too long. Ignorance to truth manifests in many ways to grab your attention. The body feels off, you make excuses, and you try to accommodate others and ignore your own inner voice that’s screaming, “WTF are you doing, stupid?” Don’t ignore it! It’s not easy to face, but when you finally are brave enough, the healing can begin.
5. Get selfish – We are not talking about social media friends. This applies to close relationships: What is the point of giving more of yourself to a relationship when the love and attention is not being reciprocated? Being ignored, undermined, and disregarded are not acts of love. The simplest act of love is attention. If the person you are in a relationship with – whether its romantic, family, or friendship – doesn’t show a genuine interest and support in you, then there’s a problem. Although I did not get through all of Remy’s video on his explanation (I seriously tried to sit through all 48 minutes but only got through 20 minutes), the biggest difference I saw between the two was their perception of who gave more in the relationship. Either way, nobody’s needs were being met and neither one was happy. Repeat after me: MY NEEDS MATTER! MY NEEDS MATTER! And say it again until you believe it.
6. Accept what it is – Acceptance isn’t about being ok with the current situation. It’s about being present with what is going on. The more you accept the situation, the more you can initiate change. Mimi and Remy both indicated in their videos that they accepted what happened. The love is gone. There’s no turning back. In my personal life, I recently accepted the idea of letting go of a friendship I thought would last a lifetime and that I will never get to say how I feel. It’s over. Time to put my energy into relationships that value me equally as I do them. When you finally accept the truth, you begin to live in truth. It seems contradictory, but acceptance is always a part of change management and transitions. It works for broken relationships as well.

In this journey of life, relationships come and go. They also evolve because we as human beings are always evolving within. Letting go of relationships is not failure – it is growth. And in this lifetime, let’s not allow ourselves to accept any less than what what you know in your heart you deserve. I want to thank you, Mimi, for sharing your life with the world, and allowing us to see such a vulnerable side of yourself even when you are clearly not ready to open up. All the blessings and healing to you and your family.